The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
