Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
