i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
