The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
