Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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