I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
