so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
