We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
