hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
