I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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