She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
