I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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