I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
