Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
