I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
