my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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