and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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