I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
