No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
