Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
A bitchslap is in order.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
