Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
