Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
