Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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