So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
