my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
