he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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