im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
where are my eyebrows?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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