I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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