my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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