I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
3pm strippers are depressing
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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