Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
