i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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