A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
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So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
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You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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