My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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