OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
