Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
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He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
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He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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