I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Your penis caused this!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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