fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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