I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
