There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
