What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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