just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
