Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
