Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
