It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
