the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
