this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
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WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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