I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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