Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
