my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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