i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
