I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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