How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
