I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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