i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
