listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
