i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
