Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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