I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
