Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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