You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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