this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
